Tag: mediation

Knowledge is the Key to Great Negotiations

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In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn’t have to ride around with jerks.  

Scott Adams, American cartoonist

I am thrilled to be facilitating a workshop at the 21st Annual Conference for ADR Professionals: “Expanding Our Horizons” on August 9-10, 2013, at the JW Marriott Grande Lakes in Orlando, Florida.  My Workshop is “Diversity: Delights and Downfalls”, a session that will explore in particular age and gender issues in mediation.  In preparing for the session, I have been reading a lot of articles and research papers about women in negotiations.

One such article, published a while ago but that came back to my attention with this research is a story that ran on NPR in January 2012: Women’s Car-Shopping Tactics Steer Them Toward Better Deals by Dana Farrington.  The main point of the story was that women were often getting better deals than men in the traditionally masculine realm of car buying.  According to the article, the reason that women are doing so much better at getting good deals in the car dealership is because women over research the event before being approached by the salesman.  Women had researched the details of the car, price, and financing terms and were in fact over prepared for the purchase.  By the time they enter the dealership they are not “browsers” but rather well informed buyers.  Because of this, they are prepared to negotiate a reasonable deal for this substantial purchase.

The reason I bring this up is not to further divide the genders.  Rather, the lesson to be learned here is perhaps the most important  lesson in any negotiation or mediation for everyone.  The most critical time of every negotiation occurs before you enter the room.  The most important investment is the time spent preparing.  Every time you enter into a negotiation the importance of the outcome  should be equal to the investment of your time in preparing.  If you are negotiating what movie you will see with your spouse, you may want to investigate the basic synopsis and reviews of the latest blockbusters.  If you are negotiating the terms of your divorce from your spouse you want to do a lot more research on parenting issues, values of assets and liabilities, income potentials of both of you and your partner.  If you are negotiating an international trade agreement, the research will obviously be incredibly complex and detailed.

As a mediator, the greatest downfall I see in mediation conferences is the lack of preparation by the parties.  You cannot expect favorable outcomes if you do not invest the time in detailed preparations.  This is why you should be as well prepared for the informal mediation process as you would be for the formal litigation process.

Elder Mediation — The Time is Now

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A happy family is but an earlier heaven. George Bernard Shaw

I am often asked “what is elder mediation?” People are familiar with the concept of family mediation in a divorce or contested custody dispute. Mediation is also often used in workplace conflicts or personal injury cases. But not many people have heard of Elder Mediation. This is truly a shame, because with the aging baby boomers and the increase in longevity, the need for elder mediation is growing, even if it is not yet a widely known form of conflict resolution.

The easiest way for me to explain Elder Mediation is with a story:

A graceful widow in her 80s has three adult children whom she loves dearly. Unfortunately, while they love her, the relationship between the three siblings is not close. There is a certain amount of mistrust and antagonism between the three children. Thanksgiving is usually the only time they all get together with their mom. The rest of the time the children are spread around the country, doing their own thing.

One day in early April the eldest child, the son, who lives in New York, calls his two sisters to announce that he has had a conversation with mom and has decided that he will use his Power of Attorney to sell her house and move her to an assisted living. When the two younger sisters resist this decision, he explains that he is very concerned that mom has become too fragile and her memory is slipping. He is worried about the liability if she is driving and her safety if she is home alone.

The second child lives in California and was home to visit mom in Florida in January and protests that, when she was there, mom was perfectly fine. Mom told her she wanted to stay in the house that she lived in with her late husband forever. This daughter says that she knows the son was always too controlling and now just wants to control mom’s money. The siblings reply that the middle child was always a bit of a flake and never really did want to consider the hard truth of mom getting older and frail.

Finally, the youngest daughter pipes up that she has also spoken with mom and the two of them have decided that the youngest should sell her home and move in mom to help her out. This would mean quitting her job but mom would pay her to run errands and fix her meals. Mom even promised she could have the family house after mom passed if she would take care of her in her golden years. The other two protest that the youngest is just plotting to take over the house and that this was not what dad wanted before he passed.

The truth is, that when each child calls mom and talks about their plans to care for her, she is agreeable to each scenario. She usually responds with “your right darling. I will tell your siblings that you are right” but then, when the next call comes she agrees with the plans of that child. Her main concern is to limit conflict in her life and to try to have as many peaceful Thanksgiving as she may have left.

In many families, the son may use the Power of Attorney to list the house and start looking for a way to move mom to an assisted living facility. The sisters may then try to intervene by filing for a guardianship or trying to convince mom to revoke the power of attorney and issue a new one to one of the girls. Lawyers are hired by each side and considerable money is spent fighting between the siblings. Meanwhile the animosity between the children grows to hatred and there are no more Thanksgivings together at all.

The other alternative is to seek out an elder mediator to help. With elder mediation we bring everyone together to examine all of the issues and seek out the best solution that will meet as many of the interests as possible. The participants consult with outside professionals such as estate planning attorneys, geriatric care specialists, community resource professionals and financial planners to have all of the information that is necessary. Elder mediation provides a confidential process to find solutions that are respectful of everyone and considers everyone’s concerns. The mediator is a specially trained neutral professional who does not impose any decisions but rather seeks out alternatives that best meet the needs of the elder and the family.

The elder mediator can address a multitude of issues for families in transition including, caregiver issues, financial management, living arrangements, health care planning, driving and safety issues, family business planning and estate and trust issues. If you think elder mediation can help your family, make sure to look for a professional certified as a mediator, with training in elder issues and experience with the complexities of family dynamics.

Hello from the Professional Resolution Center

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Abraham_Lincoln_November_1863Perhaps my favorite legal quote is the one from President Lincoln: “Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to them how the nominal winner is often a real loser — in fees, expenses, and waste of time. As a peacemaker the lawyer has a superior opportunity of being a good man. There will still be business enough.” Lincoln spoke these words over 150 years ago, but they could not be more true today!

 

At the Professional Resolution Center we are professionals who are dedicated to helping people find peaceful ways to resolve conflict. That is simple and yet complex. We assist people through mediation, parent coordination, collaborative representation, agreement facilitation and negotiation coaching. We teach negotiation and mediation skills. We are attorneys with a combined half century of representing people in court and other adjudicative situations. From this we have learned that there is almost always a better way to solve problems than litigation. This is not to say that the court system in the United States is anything less than the best system in the world. But, lets face it, other than attorneys, no one really wants to end up in court, turning their problems over to a judge. The system is financially and emotionally costly. It is time consuming. It is a public airing of all issues brought before it. And, perhaps most troubling to the litigants, no matter how convinced you are of your position, there is never a guarantee of victory.

 

The purpose of this blog is to raise awareness of the many alternatives available to people embroiled in conflict. We also hope to educate visitors a bit about some techniques that may help people avoid conflict in the first place, or to resolve it without the need for outside help. After all, knowledge is power and by passing along some of our experience and knowledge we hope to empower our visitors. The purpose of the blog is simply to discourage litigation!