As the year comes to an end there is one thing I always try to do and I want to recommend to you as well.  I take a few days near the end of every year to evaluate what has transpired over the past twelve months.  I consider what went right and what went wrong.  I actually put pen to paper and write down a list of the highs and the lows.

Then I examine the highs with gratitude.  I consider each one as a gift.  Some were given to me by others or the universe.  I am thankful for my beautiful daughter and the wonderful things she has accomplished throughout the year.  I am thankful for the others in my circle of family and friends and the joy that each has brought me.  And I am blessed to live in Florida where it never gets too cold and I can take a break to walk on the beach anytime I want.  These things I have been lucky to have in my life, provided by the universe.  I am also thankful for my clients and the opportunity that they have given me to help them through difficult situations.  They have trusted me to assist them as they go through a divorce, paternity or other legal matter.  Many lawyers find working in Family Law challenging because our clients are under a lot of stress and confusion.  But this is not the case in my practice.  Because I have chosen to help people in a non-litigated way through these complex transitions, I am able to help them avoid the stress and anxiety that too often accompanies divorce or other family law matters.

When I consider the “lows” of the past year, I try to look at the list with some gratitude as well.  Perhaps it is for the lessons I learned such as when I learned that I never wanted to represent a person in a litigated divorce after a year of lows for the anxiety that my clients and I felt.  This year one of my “lows” included needing surgery on my ankle and having three months of pain and recovery.  But then I must be grateful for the wonderful skills of my surgeon that could perform the operation and that I live in a time when we have the technological skills and equipment to allow this to happen.  Generally, I have to say, that this year the list of lows was pretty small.  Another blessing.

After making the list of last year, I begin to plan for the year to come.  I use the assessment of my highs and lows to reevaluate my practice to see if there are things I should change to make it bigger, better, stronger.  I consider how I can improve my health, relationships and spiritual connections.  I set goals (not resolutions, those don’t work) and plan some initial actions to begin the year in the right direction.  Again, I actually write these down.  And at the end of the year I can use this list to evaluate how I did over the past 12 months and where I have to put my attention to achieve my real goals.

I want to recommend this process to my clients, colleagues and friends.  In this hectic and overwhelming time that we live, it is important to take a bit of time for yourself to practice some gratitude and makes some plans.  I know that, particularly for my clients who are going through stressful times it may be difficult to think of what you are grateful for.  However, when times are tough it is even more important to take stock and find the things that are working right.

So, here is to an exceptional, outstanding and wonderful 2016.  May you all have many blessings to count this time next year.

It is that time of year again.  I have been invited to present the Annual Case Law Review for the 12th Judicial Circuit Family Court Professional Collaborative (FCPC) Fall Conference.  It is a great honor to present an update of the cases to my colleagues and the Judicial Professionals in the area each year.

I have attached a copy of the Case Law Review to this Blog Post.  (Click Here)

The FCPC Fall Conference is open to Lawyers, Financial Professionals, Mental Health Professionals and other professionals working in the Family Court System that qualify for membership in FCPC.  If you would like more information about the FCPC Conference please call the Law Office of Faith Lodder.

“The dog’s agenda is simple, fathomable, overt: I want. “I want to go out, come in, eat something, lie here, play with that, kiss you. There are no ulterior motives with a dog, no mind games, no second-guessing, no complicated negotiations or bargains, and no guilt trips or grudges if a request is denied.” 
― Caroline Knapp

It is a tradition in my family that, when we receive a new and somewhat complicated item, we often dive right in to assembling it without ever reading the instructions.  This has often been to our own peril.  The instructions are there to make your life easier.  The same is true for negotiations.  Hopefully you have had an opportunity to read the first four steps in the process as they are there to make the day of negotiations much easier.  As a review, before you ever come to the negotiations table you want to assess your interests and the interests of the other parties.  You then want to brainstorm options to meet the interests of the parties.  You must then research the options to determine which ones are feasible and how well they meet your interests and the interests of the other party.  Finally, before you begin the actual negotiations, you want to make sure that the ground rules of the process have been agreed upon.  Once all of this is completed, it is time to negotiate.

You are well prepared for the negotiations by knowing your interests, your options and the tools that will get you where you would like to be.  You must keep in mind throughout the actual negotiations that the ultimate goal is to reach an agreement or to know that you made your best effort but that an agreement was not possible.  Not all negotiations will result in an agreement because one side or the other felt that they could do better without the agreement.  However, if an agreement is possible you want to continually work toward the end goal.

Some feel that an agreement is only possible if everyone gives up something and no one leaves with everything they want.  I find this type of “search for the lowest common denominator” type of negotiations to be defeatist.  While compromise is an important part of negotiations, by working collaboratively toward meeting the interests of the participants, the parties can often find ways to expand the pie and meet the key interests of everyone.  It is true that at times each side may have to compromise on some item that they wanted, these decisions can be made in the spirit of reaching a deal that will work for everyone.  Some key elements to negotiations are to keep your emotions in check and keep your focus on the end results.  It is often easy to become frustrated when the other side uses negotiation techniques that are counter-productive such as bullying, dishonesty, or focusing on the past as a victim.  However, with some strategic planning you will hopefully be able to stay at the table and reach a satisfactory agreement even with the most difficult party.

The first step is to make sure that everyone has agreed to the issues to be decided.  In mediation this is done by setting out the agenda.  Even if a formal agenda is not decided upon, it is good for you to have with you a list of the items that you need addressed.  The fastest way to destroy an agreement reached after long negotiations is to suddenly raise a new issue that has never been discussed until after the parties are concluding the negotiations and are ready to sign an agreement.

It is often good to start the negotiations by considering if there are items where the parties have an agreement or are close to an agreement in priciple.  In a divorce if both parties agree that the children should spend equal time with each parent then this is an agreement that can be checked off the list.  The parties may still need to discuss and agree upon the actual time sharing schedule, but the interest of the children spending equal time with each parent is a major decision.  By reaching the easier agreements first you will develop some momentum towards addressing the harder issues.

Often inexperienced negotiators will ask “who should make the first offer?”  There is some debate on this topic, with some experienced negotiators believing that the person who makes the first reasonable offer has established an “anchor” and is in a better position, while other negotiators prefer to allow the “other” party to make an offer so that they can counter close to their position and pull the first party to their ground.  Entire books have been written regarding these strategies of negotiation.  However, in the case of principled negotiations, the reality is that if each party is motivated to find an agreement then the order of the offers will not have as much effect as the reasonableness of each side to consider the interests and positions of the other.

As the negotiations move forward there are some strategies that help keep the process on track.  The first is perhaps the most important.  This is to keep your focus on interests and energy toward resolution.  When you begin to feel anxious, angry or any negative emotion, step back and take a minute to process.  The biggest impediment to productive negotiations is often the visceral reaction.  For example, in a divorce negotiation if you ask for equal time sharing and your spouse responds by attacking you and criticizing the fact that you never took an interest in the children before and proposes that you should only have every other weekend with the children, it would be easy to respond to the attack and argue about who took care of the children more or attack back by saying that your spouse was always controlling of the children and never let you be a part of their lives.  This will cause the negotiations to spiral into a battle for which there will never be a winner.  The better response would be to take a minute to absorb what was said and think about your reply.  Consider your interests (and your spouse and children’s interests) in the issue and develop your response.  You may find that agreeing with your spouse that you did not put enough time into parenting in the past but discussing how you want to change this and feel that the children would benefit by having two actively involved parents is a better approach.  Look at the full calendar and discuss how the time can be managed to allow each of you to have the most time with the children.

It is often also easier to consider each agenda item individually.  Work out one item before moving on to the next.  This will allow each party to focus their attention on the interests involved and avoid “cross contamination” of very sensitive or emotional items with the ones that may be easier to address.  Keep in mind that not all negotiations must be resolved in one day.  While simple issues may be addressed in one sitting, complicated negotiations such as divorce or other family issues often require several sessions to come to a complete resolution.  If the parties try to cram all the negotiations into one day they may find that they are reaching agreement only to end the emotional roller-coaster or out of sheer exhaustion.

If certain issues seem impossible to resolve consider bringing in additional help.  A respected neutral family member or spiritual leader or a professional mediator may assist the parties to break an impasse and reach a final resolution to the issues.   Be cautious that the person selected understands that their role is to be a neutral facilitator of the conversation and not a “judge” or arbiter of the conflict.  The confusion of the roles of a neutral is why it is often better served by a professional.